Self-development is scary

Self-development is scary

I'm in the process of restructuring KO. Oddly enough I work with more women in creating businesses than personal coaching. I get it building an empire is definitely sexier than working on you.

Yet, it actually confused me for some time. Like why wouldn't you want to be totally together and at peace. So many of us focus on everything else we can achieve first. We acknowledge the faults here and there but we don't go full force on what's needed to get rid of them. You the saying, "we all have faults," stagnates many from ever working on anything within them. Please note that self-development extends further than just “faults.”

ABC’S of Self Love

Just as the alphabet is the foundation for words, sentences, communication, and education. These ABC’s of self-love are the foundation for a euphoric life full of joy.

A is for Acceptance. Accept yourself as you are TODAY!

B is for Be Kind. Be Kind to yourself.

C is for Cultivate. Cultivate your truth.

D is for Distance. Distance yourself from things and people that don't bring you joy.

E is for Evaluate. Every 90 days do a self-evaluation. Are current actions getting you to where you want to  be in life? Are they aligned with your truth? 

F is for Feelings. Allow yourself to feel an array of emotions. If your sad, it's ok, embrace it. Too many times we hide emotions to appease others or because society has taught us just to be "happy," and content. 

G is for Gravitate. Gravitate towards your North Star. What’s leading you in life?

H is for Humility. “Clarity and consistency are not enough: the quest for truth requires humility and effort.”
I is for Invest. Invest in yourself. Not just a pair of shoes and a Pedi, but things that will enhance the quality of your life, i.e. personal trainer, life coach. 

J is for Joy. “Comparison is the thief of joy.” 

K is for Keep. Keep your head up beautiful.  

L is for Love. Love yourself enough to not compromise yourself 

M is for Move on

N is for Nurture. Nurture your strengths! 

O is for Own. Own your truth! 

P is for Protect. Protect your insecurities. 

Q is for Question. Question things and situations until you gain clarity. 

R is for Respect. Respect yourself! 

S is for Sexy. Preserve your sexy

T is for Transparency. Be transparent and allow others to see your inner light.

U is for understanding. Seek to understand, then to be understood. 

V is for voids. Fill the voids.

W is for worth. Know your worth

X is for excitement (ehhh).  

Y is for youth.

Z is for Zest.  Find your Zest, things and people that bring you excitement and enjoyment.

Story time

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We all love stories. From action packed movies to scripted reality TV. The moment one of our girlfriend's say "Girl...you aren't going to believe this..." we are tuned in. I have shared a few stories with you to let you know that whatever is in the back of your closet, let it out! It can't hurt you ever again, unless you're ok with those unwanted memories....I will caution that if you have experienced or suspect that you may have ever been physically or sexually abused, a trained therapist is a must.

Not everyone will appreciate your story, and guess what?!? That's fine! You will know who you feel comfortable and trust enough to share with. Own your story, trust your struggle. No pity parties. This isn't about all the wrongs, but how you can bring all the right! It's your social obligation to let your light shine. 

Once you understand the importance of a story, you realize that you, the author of your life, have control of the upcoming chapters. You will connect and realize that you may co-author others stories and the realization will help you decide to how you want to be involved in these stories, if at all.

Stories explore experiences. We all have them- good and bad. They are our makeup just as our DNA. By sharing stories we invite others into our worlds. I invite you into my world and hope that one day you too will extend that invitation to me.

Experience is a wonderful teacher.

 

Cultivate your truth!

What is your truth? It's all you have honey. 

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Who are you? 

What are your strengths? 

What are your weaknesses? 

What are your values? 

What are your boundaries?

What do you stand for? 

What three things enhance your happiness? (Do more of that!) 

What skeletons are left in your closet? (Clean that closet out!) 

Who hurt you?

How have you hurt?

Who do you love? 

Who loves you? 

What's the last lie you told? 

What relationship plagues you the most? 

What relationship makes your soul happy?

Who do you need to apologize to?

What apology are you waiting on?

What do people depend on you for?

What do you depend on others for? 

What do you aspire to become?

Only 2% reading this will answer those questions thoughtfully and truthfully. 

Cultivating your truth means getting to know yourself fully. Knowing your grounds and the base of every thought, decision, and action. This is done through awareness (questions above) and acceptance. Once you've accepted your truth (the good, the bad, and the ugly) cultivate it as you would a small child. 

Communicate this is my truth....”I am”...! Whatever “I am” is.It will either bring you peace or discomfort.

If the "I am" brings you discomfort, those are parts of your truth that you should work on. Cultivate your truth! Seek to nurture and learn as much about yourself each day. 

Every decision you make is based on your truth. Not your mama's, not your daddy's, not that man that left you, not the man you left, not your kids, not your pastors, but yours! 

What's your truth? 

 

The day I realized I needed to get my life in order

I was dating an attached man and I was deliberating whether or not I should tell his lady about me and the other women. Straight foolishness.

I went back and forth on how she NEEDED to know what a jerk he was. How I know intimate details of their life. How he betrayed me. (I'm laughing as I type this...growth is everything, you hear me?) I wrote the letter and I cried. I even had issues with the other "other" women. From the outside looking in, I was together and everything was all good. I was a Knock Out! No boo, I was a fall out! 

My mindset was so screwed up. I didn't want to be in a relationship because of past pain, although I lied to myself it wasn't the pain, I just wasn't ready, and I was "living life."  I stopped talking to this man despite his multiple attempts to win me back. It took me a few times of being "done," with him before I actually was done. They say women break up with men a multitude of times before we actually leave. I learned so many lessons from this situation. I identified characteristics about myself that I didn't like. I learned that the things that we usually can’t stand about someone else are dormant in us. All the other “other” women and his lady were stupid, but in some way I wasn't. Growth, I tell you, growth! For months I waited on an apology. I thought that this apology would be life changing.

Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.
— Robert Brault

When I finally received the apology, it enraged me a little. I don’t doubt the apology was genuine, but I expected more. I wanted the apology to take away all the hurt and disappointment and repair me. The apology was simply words out of the mouth of someone I now viewed as a liar. I forgave him. Then I forgave myself. It took longer to forgive myself, but the day I did, I felt renewed. Affairs are always so juicy on television. When the script is finished the casts go back to their own lives, whatever that may be. I never sent the letter in case you were wondering. 

The day you realize(d) you need(ed) to get your life together may not be as  dramatic and messy as mine was. I'm actually praying it isn't. We all have awakenings, but do we always wake up after these?

Intuition will forever and always be a woman's safety net. However, we lie to ourselves. And I don't mean just with relationships. These lies are often beautified by the word rationalization. We rationalize why things aren't that bad. We rationalize why we can't take the leap of faith. We rationalize why we can't lose 10 pounds. We rationalize why we allow others to mistreat us. We rationalize why we can't apply for a better position.

I can go on and on, but you know the things you rationalize.

Stop lying to yourself! You will create a false reality. You can't live in this false reality for long and will create unnecessary stress, worry, and anxiety. This is no way to live. No one else cares about this lie, but you.

Here are some ways to stop lying yourself:

1. Make a decision that you want to stop lying to yourself.

2. Take responsibility before you begin to rationalize your behavior and (or) thoughts.

3. Examine past lies and see if there is a pattern.

4. Love yourself.

5. Realize that any situation that you have to lie to yourself about or hide from others, it's not an ideal situation for your life. 

Later this week, I'll be sending you a guide on 8 ways to get your Life! True and tested ways to jump start getting your life together or simply helping you lead the life of your desires. Make sure you're on the email list, as it's exclusive to email subscribers.

 

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My first love

Do you remember your first love? I do.

I was in my twenties. I thought I had found love before, but it wasn't that unconditional fairy tale love that Disney prepares all little princesses for. I had known this person forever, but I didn't always like them. Oddly enough, as I learned more and more about my love, this attraction developed. Feelings that I never experienced were ignited. Smiles that I had never even seen were formed. Impulsive decisions that I would once make, now I would consider my love and the impact it would have. Little things that once annoyed me were now okay. Hanging out and doing nothing with my love became my favorite thing to do. I would write little love notes and plan special dates. I tried to keep this love affair a secret, but it was written all over my face. One day I looked in the mirror and realized I had fallen in love with myself.

A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world. Everyone you meet is your mirror.
— Ken Keyes

I don’t want to portray that I didn’t fully like myself prior to this or even that I had poor self-esteem. I just didn’t love myself fully. People are conditioned to say “yes, I like myself,” or even “of course I love myself.” However their actions scream a different response. I thought I loved myself. I was confident. I knew I was beautiful. Hunay, you couldn’t tell me I wasn’t cute. I was beautiful on the outside and frumpy on the inside. When I learned to truly love myself and put the same efforts into loving myself as I would another person, I blossomed. Just as a caterpillar emerging from its cocoon into a beautiful butterfly. I had a new glow. I looked in the mirror and suddenly, I was the most gorgeous I have ever looked. My smile was radiating and my aura cascading. Just being around me was a different experience.

Loving yourself…does not mean being self-absorbed or narcissistic, or disregarding others. Rather it means welcoming yourself as the most honored guest in your own heart, a guest worthy of respect, a lovable companion.
— Margo Anand

Others may mistake this self-love as conceit or narcissism, but that’s so far-fetched. Self-love should exert the same nurturing energy and attention as we exert for our children, mates, families, and friends.

Society screams that we should love ourselves, but how? There aren't classes in school for emotional development. Society does not teach us to love ourselves, but merely loathe ourselves. I'm going to list a few ways to help you love yourself more.

Ways to make love to yourself more

1. Forgive yourself.

2. Forgive others.

3. Stop criticizing yourself from today forward.

4. Take responsibility for your actions and decisions.

5. Be kind to yourself.

6. Respect yourself.

7. Write love letters to yourself describing the things you love about yourself.

8. Accept compliments from others.

9. Accept yourself as you are today.

10. Replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations.

11. Celebrate your accomplishments, even the small ones.

Usually I go in details, but I want this to resonate, as it takes time. Even if you just re-read the list a few times to get it into your subconscious, will be one step toward your euphoria.

Narcissism or Self-Esteem??

I used to think I was a narcissist. People would tell me that my self-esteem was too high. I believed them for years. I took the basic definition of a narcissist, that I was consumed with self. Most people in their late teens are a little self-absorbed not to mention spoiled, so I wasn't truly concerned with the label. I went with it, but didn't internalize the negative traits associated with narcissism. Later I learned that those that were so “concerned” with my esteem merely were mirroring their issues on to me. It’s rare someone is going to tell you “I don’t fully like myself, and I’m uncomfortable with how comfortable you are with yourself.”

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Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself. Self-confidence is how you feel/think about your abilities. They go together like peanut butter and jelly. These feelings help you to subconsciously and consciously determine the things you do and the things you accept from others.

I love me some me. I celebrate my successes and my failures. I live by the thought if he or she can do it, so can I. They aren't any smarter than I. I really believe this. 

Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.
— Lao Tzu

I know I have faults (a long list), and I accept them. I know I'm not perfect, but rather perfectly imperfect. I don’t think I’m better than anyone, but I am equal to. My playing ground is level. I don't put anyone down or above me. 

My parents used to tell me I was amazing and I could do ANYTHING I wanted. Guess what? I believed them. Still do! Adults uplift younger children and we even lie to them sometimes. You know that picture full of colorful squiggly lines that is “beautiful and amazing,” although we really don’t know what it is. Truly it doesn't matter what’s on that paper. That smiling face full of joy and excitement and pride is what matters. In time, the child will learn his or her strengths. Even if drawing isn't their strength, drawing may provide a great stress relief and become a passion. Side note: not every passion leads to purpose. However, in recognizing passion it helps lead us to our purpose.

Parents need to fill a child’s bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can’t poke enough holes to drain it dry.
— Alvin Price

My parents would have dinner parties and allow me to sing for their guests. I cannot sing! Not at all! I would sing Whitney Houston's Greatest Hits and those guests would cheer me on, but I now know that I can't sing. Nothing changed from then to now, but those adults built me up. I can carry a tune, but that’s the extent of that. I love singing and I love music. It makes me feel great in good and bad times. I have a playlist on my iTunes entitled “pity party” whenever I was upset I would get five to ten minutes of listening to the best sad songs I've ever heard. I used to write songs and would/will make up a song and sing in a moment’s notice just to make someone smile. That’s my purpose…helping others find their happy.

Hard work beats talent
— Tim Notke

My Huni is a personal development coach aka personal trainer. He was working with this kid at a basketball camp. I remember he came home and nicknamed the kid "mission impossible." I ask about this kid weekly. I'm a sucker for the underdog, I want everyone to succeed. This is the 5th  week and Huni says mission impossible has so much heart and drive that he puts in double the work to make up for the lack of natural ability. 

Self-esteem...can be evaluated simply? How much do I love me? A lot.....is a systematic response. Answer it in terms of : I won't accept XYZ because I recognize my worth. I am worth: unconditional love, fulfilling interpersonal relationships, satisfying work, an abundance of money.

Anything less than your defined worth...is cheating yourself. 

If you don't believe your true worth, the Universe won't believe you and certain things will be held from you. Exactly what you project will be returned to you. Want to stop dating losers...think higher of yourself. We attract what we are. Want a better job, produce better results. Don't allow yourself to just be content unless you truly are content. Contentment doesn't include complaining. 

Again, anything you put your mind to you CAN do. You have to want to, believe you can, and get to work.  Naysayers will forever attempt to instill their fear into us by distraction and saying that we can't do something.  How we feel about ourselves impacts our interactions throughout life. How we view our successes and failures determines future failures and successes. Are you mission impossible or mission I AM POSSIBLE? Email me, I would love to know!

Live. Love. Action

1.      Define your self-esteem?

2.      Love yourself!

3.      Examine how you may not be honoring your defined self-esteem.